


loving you hurts

by dark_matter



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Running Away, nicole is just a confused scared lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:24:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_matter/pseuds/dark_matter
Summary: “How could you do this Haught? You told her you loved her, you told me you wouldn’t hurt her.”“I know.”“Fuck you Haught.”“I know.”“Don’t come back, ever.”“I know.”





	loving you hurts

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> just gonna preface this saying i am about 5 episodes behind on season 3 so like i have a vague idea what is happening with waverly but also no idea at all so i took that creative liberty of not knowing and ran with it so this is canon divergent for sure. 
> 
> also nicole is definitely ooc in this but thats the beauty of aus and writing fan fic i wanted to explore this side of nicole and if she just decided that she couldn't do this anymore.
> 
> i haven't written in ages and i didn't edit this or anything so all mistakes are mine pls be gentle. i hope you enjoy.

She was scared. Waverly was sitting there on that porch pouring her heart out to her, and all Nicole could focus on was this dreadful, terrifying feeling pooling at the bottom of her heart telling her to run. To leave the triangle, to live a life where her girlfriend wasn’t an angel, her best friend wasn’t a cursed demon hunter, and where her life wasn’t always a guessing game and how or when she was going to, eventually, die. 

 

She never had this, she never had people who cared for her. Who truly deeply cared for her well being, who wanted her more than the people before them all combined. She thought she was ready. She thought she could handle having people trust her and trusting them in return. She was read. Her heart was Waverly’s and she could see that future. Until they found out Waverly was an angel and the only way to save everyone was for her die and the images of little feet running down the hall, waking to hair in her face every morning, of giant family dinners with a spot that everyone silently agreed was saved for Xavier, crumbled in front of her.

 

She couldn’t do this.

 

She loved Waverly Earp more fiercely than she had ever loved anyone before. But she couldn’t watch her die. 

 

So she ran. She looked at the girl she loved more than herself and told her she couldn’t do this. Couldn’t watch her one chance at happiness sacrifice herself. She watched the joyful light drain out of those hopeful eyes as she hopped off of the porch railing. She heard the sobs that left the younger girl’s body and she turned and tried not to sprint to her car waiting in front of the homestead. She caught a glimpse of Wynonna’s confused expression as she threw her car into drive and left that cursed land as fast as she could.

 

She felt the tears running down her face before she realized she was crying. 

 

And she cried. 

 

She cried and drove until she hit a town that wasn’t Purgatory and realized that it was dark and she was running low on gas. She cried until she pulled into a little deadbeat motel that looked like something straight out of a movie.

 

Then she wiped her tears, walked to the front, got a room, and locked herself in it until she passed out from exhaustion. 

 

When she woke up the next morning her hands instinctively reached for the long haired girl that never drifted too far when they slept, constantly seeking out her warmth. Except the only thing she was met with was the cold dusty sheets that she was pretty sure haven’t been washed since this motel was opened god knows when. That and her phone buzzing non stop where she left it on the nightstand before promptly falling asleep. 

 

She picked up the phone only to have her heart lodge in her throat at the picture of her and Waverly that Wynonna had taken of them one night on the couch. It had just snowed and Nicole couldn’t go anywhere safely so she took camp in the Earp’s living room, plus one. Waverly had stolen her sweatshirt at some point in the night because  _ the fire isn’t working baby and I’m cold _ . Nicole hadn’t cared. She was warm enough with the youngest Earp curled into her side, tracing little patterns over her girlfriend’s hip, feeling more at peace than she ever had. 

 

Nicole shook her head, desperately trying to erase the memory from her mind but also hanging on with everything she had to the thought of her home. It wasn’t her home anymore.  _ She _ wasn’t her home anymore. She rejected the call and turned off her phone before anyone else could try calling her. 

 

She needed to get driving again. 

 

Except when she opened the door to her room she wasn’t met with the desolate parking lot she had pulled into last night. Instead she was met with Wynonna Earp keying the side of her car. She should’ve seen this coming. 

 

“Are you writing something nice?” 

 

“You’re lucky I didn’t go with my first plan of busting down that door and breaking your nose.”

 

“Yeah, I guess I deserve that one.”

 

“How could you do this Haught? You told her you loved her, you told  _ me _ you wouldn’t hurt her.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Fuck you Haught.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Don’t come back, ever.”

 

“I know.” 

 

“Is that all you’re gonna say? You aren’t even gonna try to explain why you left my sister, why you left Purgatory out of the blue? Thats a dick move Nicole.”

 

She hesitated, thinking about her answer. Because she knew deep down that this was her way of being selfish. She never was before. She was a selfless person who never put herself first and this was a shitty time to start doing it. 

 

“I can’t- I can’t watch her die Wyn, I can’t survive if that happens. I’ve lost people I love and I can’t watch anyone else that I care about die while I stand by feeling helpless.” 

 

It was pathetic. She was pathetic. But all she could see in her dreams was Waverly dying over and over again. She felt her breathing shallow and watched the life drain out of her eyes as she held her body and screamed and sobbed and begged whoever was out there to  _ please don’t take her she’s all I have, all I’ll ever have _ . She could see the crimson staining her shirt, her pants, her hands as she desperately clung to the angel who was too good for this world and too kind to not give up her life for everyone she loved. So, yes, she was a pathetic excuse for a human being but that pain was not one someone could handle and she did the only thing her brain told her to do.

 

She couldn’t have said goodbye. She couldn’t explain, because explaining meant people would convince her to stay. Tell her that they would figure something out, that this wasn’t the only way. That they could do this as a family, find a way out like they always did. But she couldn’t stay because staying meant losing all of that. Staying meant losing Waverly and she couldn’t handle that. 

 

“We are gonna find a way to save her Nicole. She isn’t going to die. I won’t let her die.”

 

“I wish I could believe you.”

 

“But you can, you can believe me because you have and you used to trust me and I don’t know who you are but this is not the Nicole Haught that I know. This isn’t the Nicole Haught who promised to take my daughter to safety, the Nicole Haught that would do anything to keep her loved ones safe because she knows how important family is, especially chosen families.”

 

“I’m so sorry Wynonna.”

 

“Bullshit.” 

 

She dragged her keys against the side of Nicole’s car one more time and walked away toward her truck. 

 

“I mean it Haught. Don’t show your face anywhere near Purgatory again.”

 

Nicole watched her leave, felt  the pain spreading throughout her body watching her best friend drive away from her for forever. Realizing through her heaving breaths that this was it, she couldn’t go back to her home. This was her life from now on and she choose it and now she had to live with it.

 

So she got in her car, and she drove as far from Purgatory as she could get. 

 

Three years later when she checked the mail she had a letter, and she recognized the swooping writing before her brain had to time to process it. 

  
  


_ I know why you left, it took me awhile but I understand.  _

_ I will love you forever Nicole Haught.  _

_ But you hurt me more than you could ever know and I will never be able to forgive that.  _

 

_ Goodbye, _

_ Waverly Crofte  _

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on twitter @nicolexhaught


End file.
